It has been a crazy end of June and month of July. During this period, I co-facilitated a parenting workshop once a week for 5 weeks as part of a training stint on top of managing my duties as a mother/cook/cleaner/professional locator-of-all-things-lost. I managed to meet up with friends and had friends over. I also managed to fall spectacularly ill from a serious throat infection that left me with a 5-day fever and basically collapsed in bed for most of the days. We also celebrated YX's fourth birthday.
I said all that to account for my absence on the blog. :)
Anyway, this was supposed to be a follow-up post on how we (as in Hubby and I) have been coping, or NOT coping with two. I suppose that can be an on-going topic, but taking stock now and again of how we are faring is not a bad idea.
So 5 months 1 week on, what have we done right? Well, I can tell you what we have done WRONG in the first two months or so. We lost our temper and raised our voices many times at our firstborn for being rough with her sister, yanking her sister's hands and legs, tapping the top of her head hard, etc. We told her so many times 'Don't do that to your sister' without telling her just what she had to do. We also took her independence for granted to the point of forgetting that she needed us to play with her too. Most importantly, we forgot that she was then just a 3-plus-year-old experiencing a transition in her family and who needed our guidance and love to help her in this difficult transition. (As I type this, I am tearing up because I feel awful about causing her such pain.)
Fortunately, in the midst of the mistakes, Hubby and I still did some things right. We recognised that she had such profound love for her baby sister, even though she was jealous that baby was getting everyone's attention; and so we noted that to her and asked her if and why did she love her baby sister so much and that got her young mind thinking. Whenever she had a question about her Meimei, we always strived to answer it as best as we can, as factually as we can (e.g., How did meimei get into your stomach? Can I go into your stomach now? Why does Meimei always cry? - Yes, the answers... for another post.)
We praised her to the skies when she was gentle with baby and carried out 'big sister' duties (we got her to fetch diapers, the diaper cream, etc). We still tucked her into bed and kissed her every night, even though she may have had terrible temper tantrums in the day, and stuck to her already established daily routine as much as possible (it definitely helps that she is at full-day childcare). And yes, we started noticing her temper tantrums and the little things that she was saying, such as 'You know, nobody loves me.' We still managed her temper tantrums using our usual methods of timeout and reasoning, but in the midst of the reasoning, we talked about feelings of jealousy and told her how much we love her even though her Meimei is now in the picture. We made special effort to bring her out solo sans Meimei. We spoke to her honestly of our struggles as parents of two, highlighting to her that when "Mama takes care of two of you on her own, it is difficult because Mama only has one pair of hands" and asking if she could help out (yes, YX is out of school sometimes due to holidays and bouts of illness).
And yes, we really struggled and strived to put a new order and routine that would accommodate everyone's schedules and needs back into our everyday lives. We tapped on our in-laws' help, especially my mother-in-law. All the while, we tried to cope with our own feelings of guilt, frustration, happiness, joy, pride, etc., and with the physical fatigue that comes with night feedings and for me, my post-partum struggle with hypertension. Finally, we tried to right the wrongs we did (e.g., showed her how to be gentle with Meimei, apologised for raising our voices, explaining why she was being scolded, etc.)
I am not sure whether the mistakes came first, or whether we did things right and made the mistakes all in one big confusing mess. I guess it does not really matter. What matters is that we now seem to be in a better place than 3 months ago.
Yes, YX still throws temper tantrums, and still rolls her eyes occasionally when I tell her I need to feed/change Meimei (again). We still don't play with her as often as we would like. And we all still feel frustrated/tired/annoyed/you-name-it-I-may-have-it. We can still afford to be nicer to the kids. But we are getting moments where it is possible to engage YX in a conversation about 'nobody loving her' without her throwing a temper tantrum first. It is now possible to see YX spontaneously using 'gentle hands' with her sister and even asking me, "Mama, is this gentle?" It is possible to see her having such fun with her sister when we ask her to look after Meimei for a while, or saying with pride to everyone in school or neighbours/strangers outside, "This is my baby sister you know!". It is now possible to hear her singing made-up songs to her sister along the lines of 'I still love you even though you keep crying' and 'Jiejie will take care of you'.
:)
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Every major event in a family - whether it involves grief and loss, new additions (such as a wedding or birth of a baby), or someone going far away - reveals potential for growth. Boundaries are re-shaped and family roles are altered. Some families break apart, while some families grow stronger under such pressures. I feel that whether a family is resilient to such transitions in part depends on how well family members support one another in the process of transition. It takes time, commitment, effort and awareness for such support to be possible.
As parents of a young family, I do hope Hubby and I would make the best decisions that will make our family grow stronger and more resilient with every major event. We are most certainly flawed parents, but we do try our best and hopefully, our best is enough.
Mama Tan signing off. :)
P.S. As I write this post, Papa, Mama, YX and Baby are ALL down with stomach flu. But a family that falls sick together gets well together, and develops immunity together. Jia you to us! :)
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