It's been nearly two months since YX, my mom and I came over to Melbourne. And what a difference it has made! For one, YX seems a lot happier than when she was in Singapore. She has visibly put on weight and loves jumping up and down or just monkeying around at home. I often wonder why that is the case, and whether I am doing anything differently here than back home, and even whether I have been doing something WRONG in Singapore. Then I realise that I have not done anything. I have simply asked my mom to help me in the caregiving.
No doubt I asked my mom to help out of pure necessity. And that in the first few weeks that we were here, my mom and YX had to go through a period of adjusting to each other. Yeah, YX was cranky, clingy and simply refused to let her Grandma touch her. (She still doesn't sometimes; for example, she insists that Mama bathes her, and would push me into the bathroom and shut the door on Grandma.) However, as time passed and Grandma gradually took over some aspects of the caregiving, including playing silly games with her, YX slowly warmed up to Grandma and realised that this was another person she could depend on for all her needs, including her need for love. (This is after all her Grandma who has had five children of her own, and three other grandchildren.) As a dear friend put it, she now has one more person in her circle of trust.
So now we have a win-win situation for everyone: YX always gets attention someway or other, either from Mama or Grandma since we 'tag-team' in looking after her, and the adults each get more rest. For me at least, I know I can sleep in a bit knowing that my mom is looking after YX in the morning in terms of giving her her morning milk and cleaning up. And overall, because I am less fatigued, I am actually MORE patient with my baby now.
In what I call the pursuit of happiness (after the Will Smith movie), I realise that it is so important that all of us have more than one person we can love and trust. Yes, people who are not your parents in your circle of trust. This is an important basis for relationship formation outside of the family in future, as children learn to trust that besides their parents, there are others whom they can rely on for their various needs in Maslow's hierarchy. Of course, grandparents are different by virtue of them being, well, grandparents. Nonetheless, this is a first step in a lifelong journey of learning to trust others.
When I work with my special needs students, I often use this paradigm called 'relationship circles.' This usually comprises a series of concentric circles (or rectangles inter-setted within one another), usually with the child and his/her immediate family members at the core (most trusted), and strangers or passers-by in the outermost circle (least trusted). Relationship circles are used to teach stranger danger, and the appropriate modes of interaction with persons in each circle of trust. Relationship circles are also very telling of the child's conception of various relationships and where they place certain significant others in their circles of trust. With some of the students, they do not have their parents at the centre, or even anyone at the centre with them. As such, the goal is usually to explore whether there could be anyone in whom they can place their trust and love.
Having people other than parents in the immediate circle of trust is important not just for relationship formation with others in future, it is also important for a young child's developing sense of self-worth. At the end of the day, people are fallible. Yes, parents included. So if a child has very few or even no one else he/she can depend on, imagine how awfully let down the child would feel if those few people, well, fail him/her. To a very young child, that's simply his/her world crashing down. As such, to help our kids build resilience, we must let them know that yes, people are fallible, people make mistakes, but there are also other good and kind people in the world. In fact, Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy (REBT) theory will have you believe that despite people letting you down, they are not TOTALLY bad and that there will be some goodness in ALL people. In fact, REBT might say: Hey, you don't need other people, especially your parents or loved ones, to make you feel like you're worthy and a somebody... You are worthy in and by yourself. But of course, that is a story for another day.
Coming to Melbourne has made me cognisant and truly appreciative of the adage, "It takes a village to raise a child." It does make sense doesn't it? In the old kampung days where families lived close to one another, and neighbourliness was the order of the day, kids did seem much happier and had so many opportunities to interact with others outside the immediate family.
I will say, of course, life is not a bed of roses here in Melbourne. Children being children, YX is not the perfect angel even if one more person is looking after her. She still has her temper tantrums and undesirable behaviours, her Grandma obviously has no disciplinary authority over her and I am very much still right smack in the centre of her circle of trust such that there are days when she wants only Mama and no one else (usually after days of rushing out an assignment and practically ignoring her... Oops!). Yes, there are still days when I tear my hair out trying to placate a demanding, noisy and wailing almost-two-year-old. But at least now, she has progressed to saying 'Bye Bye' to me quite cheerfully and voluntarily when I put on my shoes and step out of the door. And for a constantly tired out and hence frustrated parent, that means there is certainly light at the end of the tunnel in this pursuit of happiness.
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