Falling short in more ways than one

Now, I just really need to ventilate. And maybe weigh the arguments a bit.

Today, I just had someone accuse me of pushing my way into the lift, when in reality, we (my mother-in-law and I) were just unsure of whether they (parents with two kids, one in a pram) were coming out of the lift. When it became clear that they were coming out, we obviously made way for them, but of course the man muttered so many things under his breath, one of which was that "We cannot be coming out if you're pushing your way in". Now I really wanted to turn back and say, "Say that again?!" But in the interest of time, and not wanting to scare the s**t out of my MIL, I decided to let it go. Again.

I say AGAIN because a few days ago, when I was trying to get into the new school building, I couldn't. Until someone came along, and presto, the automated door opened! And he said, "Oh, it works... You just need to be taller." I said, "Oh, this is the first time that this has happened, haha!" The truth is, I was really annoyed. I mean, what the heck?! I don't think laughing at someone's height is very funny in a 'haha' sorta way. (For the record, I lied. This is the second time it has happened, but the first time it happened, the taller guy inside the building couldn't get the door open despite pressing on the 'DOOR OPEN' button from the INSIDE. I was the one who walked further out and then in again and managed to get the automated door open.)

And I say AGAIN AGAIN because just last month, this huge scruffy man cut in front of my mother while she was queuing at the supermarket and told me to get behind him in the line. I told him off and said, "But my mother came first." He obviously couldn't win the argument and joined another queue, but not before swearing at me (the F-word), and making threatening gestures like pretending to spit on the floor not once but several times from the other queue. I avoided eye contact with him as much as possible, but he was threatening us with his gestures throughout the time we were queuing up. 

And a few years ago (AGAIN in Melbourne), hubby and I (mainly I) got into a verbal fight with a man who shoved my husband in the small of his back while we were queuing up in front of him, again at the supermarket. That particular incident REALLY got me fired up, because my hubby had in no way provoked him.  I told that guy off, and got into a verbal spat at the cashier's counter. He told me something like, "You're not a lady, but a baby." I can't remember whether I told him or not, but I remember at least thinking, "And you're a sorry excuse for a man."

Then finally, in the same few years ago in Melbourne, we had people spitting on our apartment door. I think it was done by the rowdy (white) neighbours who lived a few doors down and who were getting drunk, high, noisy and annoying by randomly knocking on everyone's doors down the corridor in the wee hours of the night. On one occasion--it was an especially bad night--I actually opened the door and nicely told them to keep it down because people were trying to study. On another, I just called the security counter and lodged a complaint. 

All these incidents got me thinking... Why am I such a magnet for unpleasant/weird/rude strangers?

The first argument is because of my physical size. Yes, being small is definitely disadvantageous in many ways. It is one of the first things that people, especially strangers, notice. And some people just don't pick on someone their own size; they pick on smaller people. And I am S-M-A-L-L. And I was bullied when I was in kindergarten. I distinctly remember this boy digging his fingernails into the back of my hands until they bled, on at least two occasions. I think he picked on me not because I provoked him, but because I was a convenient target of his frustrations and anger, being the smallest kid in class. I remember going home and not daring to show my mother my hands. Needless to say, this experience was definitely formative. I grew up fiercely protective of myself and constantly making sure that I am respected as an individual.

The second argument is because of my Asianness in a white and still largely racist country. Notice how all the recent incidents happened in Melbourne? However, I think I am a lot more sensitized to the issue of 'race' in Australia and may be biased towards interpreting everything from that perspective. And obviously I have had more good experiences than bad in Melbourne. And being Asian would certainly not explain why I was bullied in kindergarten.

After thinking through all of the above, I finally arrived at the conclusion that it is neither size nor race. It is me. It is overly-assertive-me that is getting me into trouble. Especially in Melbourne.

As I mentioned afore, I grew up fiercely protective of myself. Because I was bullied as a young kid and because I am physically small, I learnt how to be extra polite, extra nice to people, extra apologetic, extra fierce, extra alert and extra assertive to keep myself safe and to make sure that people didn't walk all over me. While all these 'extra' strategies seem extremely contradictory, they aren't in reality because I'd pick and choose depending on the situation. I mean, obviously if I meet a stranger who's a big and burly bouncer type, I would not be extra assertive with him? I would just say, "Sorry, thanks and have a nice day!" And scoot. Obviously if I had more people with me, the odds might change a bit.

The thing is, as I grew older and became more confident of myself, I found myself getting angry at myself for being extra apologetic. I mean, why do I have to apologise and be extra nice to UNREASONABLE strangers just so I don't get into trouble? It just violates my sense of justice. And so, I have admittedly become more assertive and have been speaking up more against what I think are unfair behaviours committed by strangers towards me, my friends, my family or to other vulnerable members of society. Now, this probably worked and works fine in Singapore, because well, I am very much part of that society and no matter how short I am physically, the gaps in height between me and the next random stranger in Singapore aren't going to be as big as the gaps in height between me and the next random stranger in Australia, i.e., size doesn't matter as much in Singapore. In fact, I have once asked a man to give up his seat on the bus for an elderly lady. He did and even praised me for being a good person.

But in a white racist society, this doesn't work well. I guess this might stem from me being the jarring antithesis to the stereotype of the virtuous, petite and gentle Asian woman, and to the white man's stereotype of Asians as being subordinate to him.

Now where does this leave me? Should I continue being assertive? To be honest, I find myself constantly picking my battles, especially now that I have my kid with me most of the time. I need to take into consideration her safety as well, and the kind of social modelling impact that my behaviour would have on her. So I have definitely become more measured since becoming a mother. As a result, I find myself letting many things go, or picking a more amicable conflict resolution route, such as talking nicely to a neighbour. Like letting go of today's incident and instead, choosing to blog about. Like talking nicely to my upstairs neighbour about the safety hazards of throwing cigarette butts onto our balcony.

Yes, I have to pick my battles because some battles are simply not worth fighting.