Sharing our love

Hubby and I have been discussing having our second child for a while now. It didn't seem likely to happen anytime a year ago because of the prospect of having to return to Melbourne to finish up my Masters studies. It didn't seem likely to happen even two months ago because the plan was for me to find a job after finishing my studies and THEN think about having number two.

And two weeks ago, Hubby and I were having our discussion again when he was in Melbourne to see YX and I. And still it didn't seem likely to happen anytime soon, but not because of anything to do with my studies or my career. We just have a big question mark over whether we would be fair--in terms of being as loving and doting--to our second child.

I think most parents know that firstborns are always special. You know, even my mother who has five children said something about my eldest sister being "My firstborn, you know, so I really cannot bear it sometimes 'cos she is living so far away." Firstborns are special because they formally mark the establishment of a family. I mean, before YX came along, Hubby and I were really just a married couple. Firstborns are special because the lack of parenting experience just makes the steep learning curve ever so bonding (or divisive) between husband and wife. Having a baby is one of life's biggest miracles, and doing it for the first time is definitely going to be a life-changing moment for most people. I truly wonder how excited my parents were about me, because I was number 4, and a daughter AGAIN, lol.

Jokes aside, we also know that parents always tend to play favourites or will always be perceived as playing favourites, no matter how fair one is or tries to be. Sometimes, just a perception about biased treatment can create such rifts within a family. Using my own family as an example, my elder sisters might sometimes complain half in jest that me and my younger brother (who is the youngest) have always been luckier because we had a lot more resources as a family by the time he and I came along, so we were exposed to lots more as kids. On the other hand, my brother and I constantly perceive the need to 'prove' ourselves in the family so that we get the respect of my elder sisters. Like it or not, being the youngest sometimes means that your opinions just carry far less weight.

So the question now comes down to a very fundamental one: should we have a number 2 at all since we are unsure whether we will be able to spread our love as equally as possible between the two? I know for sure that YX holds a very (x100) special place in my heart (not least due to the amount of worry and stress she's put me through since 20 weeks of gestation in my womb, lol). How can any other person beat that?

However, I wanted at least one more child because, well, I love kids. No matter how much I may 'yell' at YX for her various 'misdemeanours' , the truth of the matter is, I really do enjoy hanging out with kids, observing their behaviour and watching them grow and progress. Hubby and I are extremely proud of our 'product' and at some points, think that maybe our second one will be just as cute as our first. And yes, I am under pressure to produce a boy, lol (though honestly, I don't think that I mind having girls at all).

And since I am having all these doubts and concerns right now, it just seems to me that I am simply not ready to have a second child. But when is ANYONE ready anyway?

Will I eventually be able to share the love I have for YX? Well, watch this space for any updates. In the meantime, don't hold your breath... It's all still up in the air.