I just blew a huge layer of dust off this blog... Imagine, the last time I updated this blog was about a year ago!
Nonetheless, once again, I have been driven by sadness and frustration to write. Every time I think I have something to say on my blog, I log in, and don't know where to start. Perhaps it has been too long, but I shall try. Let's carry on from where I left off the last time.
Sometime beginning last year, I had a burnout - you know, of the professional kind. It likely started way before that. I had a second baby the year before, and had asked for an additional two months off on top of the four months maternity leave, so I could spend more time breastfeeding the baby. I was very happy that I managed to clear any backlog I had before I went on my maternity leave, and really did enjoy spending time at home with the new baby and my eldest child, with peace of mind that I did not have loose ends to tie up for work while I was on leave. Six months flew by before I knew it, and I found myself back at work in August 2014, somewhat raring to go. I was determined to make sure I stayed on top of things this time round, and worked very hard - perhaps a little too hard on hindsight - to make sure I do that. I pulled late nights most nights to get reports done, whilst juggling a growing and demanding baby, who would wake up to three times a night to feed or fuss. Most nights were a blurr of trying to type up half-finished reports or notes, feeds, diaper changes, and sometimes, chores like laundry. There were numerous nights where I would just not sleep, then wash up, and go straight to work the next morning. For the first few months, I did not feel it - I felt great that I was not accumulating backlog at work, while at the same time, managing baby at night. I even had colleagues tell me that I seemed to be coping well.
In reality, I was not. I was constantly exhausted, easily irritated, and would yell at my kids or my hubby over the slightest provocation. I was constantly succumbing to flus, coughs, etc. Over time, as sleep deprivation took over, and surprise surprise, my work efficiency started falling and backlog started accumulating again, I just felt all in miserable. On some days, I felt like I was losing my mind as I crossed the streets and walked along the sides of the roads, wondering if the passing vehicles would hit me. I think my husband must have been worried. By January 2015, I was spent. At work, I kept up my usual self as far as possible, because you know, I'm a professional, and I really just want to keep things that way at work. Besides, when I am actually in session with my patients and their families, I really am focused and do enjoy the interactions - it is the documentation and all that report writing that is hard to manage.
On that particular Monday in January 2015, it just all went down. I cannot remember now the exact dates or the details of what happened, but that whole weekend, I had been crying in long bouts, continuously. I waited for it to stop eventually (as crying bouts always did for me because I am built strong that way and somehow always manage to process things), but somehow Monday morning came, and I found myself at the edge of my bed, tears still streaming down my face. I had a session that morning, and was in no condition to see anyone because I simply could not stop crying. I knew then, that I had to text my supervisor, and tell her to get someone else to see the patient or just reschedule. Somehow, I still had the presence of mind to get onto the train to work, only I cried all the way. As I took the lift up from the train platform that morning, my supervisor caught me in the lift, and as I was dabbing away the copious amounts of tears in my eyes, she held me by the shoulders, and said, "My dear, you should go home."
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After going on a couple of days' medical leave, what followed was a few weeks of trying to clear my schedule so that I could focus on finishing up some of the backlogged reports. Then, in a bid to make my workload more bearable, I applied to turn part-time and my supervisors tried to refocus my time at work on other things, such as projects. Of course, things did not become ok overnight. For the first few months after I turned part-time, I found myself constantly working at home and on off-days, still trying to clear work. But after a while, things started to get better. The backlog slowly eased off, and I tried to be disciplined in terms of making sure I had more rest, and took up new hobbies such as gardening. I started doing things I liked to do for my family more, such as cooking, and told myself repeatedly not to be so harsh on myself too. For example, if there were days that I needed to clear work or just wanted to sleep and nap with baby, the family ate takeaways and the baby ate store-bought baby food from a jar, rather than home-cooked food. If there were household chores to be done, work can wait till the next (working) day.
I am not saying things are a 100% good now - but they are definitely much better. I still do work at home or on my off-days, but I don't pull all-nighters all the time doing it. I get to plan meet-ups with friends on occasion on my off-days, and now, I just nap with the baby (who has since grown into a cute but still demanding little toddler) when I want to, rather than worry about having to cook meals for the family all the time.
In short, I have learnt to live without aspiring to be the perfect employee AND the perfect mother/wife.
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This year, I told myself that I would not repeat the same mistakes I made last year and the year before, and do all those almost inhumane things to myself. If I had one resolution for 2016, that will be focusing on self-care, for if I don't take care of myself first, how can I expect to take care of others?
I thought I was built strong and could withstand stress, and then I realised that I was human after all - not Supergirl or Supermum. Being human is about realising where your limits are, and there is no shame in saying you have reached your limits.
Sometimes, life is not just about pushing limits; it is about finding out where your limits lie.
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